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Face masks now lie unwanted, some would say unneeded, says Steve Braunias. Photo / Bevan Conley

Face masks are by and large a thing of the past, like plastic bags. The Government got rid of both of them. There's a famous so-called "plastic bag scene" in the film American Beauty, where a plastic bag dances on a pavement with autumn leaves to a melancholy piano score.

The three-minute, six-second scene has more than three million views on YouTube. Comments include: "I had depression a couple of years ago and I'd just lay in my bed for hours watching this video, one of the only things that helped me get out of my own head and get a perspective, as well as making the world seem peaceful instead of awful."

I watched a face mask dancing above a rubbish truck last week. It flew out of my rubbish bin just before the bin was upended into the truck, and it floated high in the air, then seemed to chase the truck, slowly and sensually, like the past chasing the present.

Face masks have done their job and were made redundant by Jacinda Ardern, who declared on Monday, September 12, "You will no longer be required by Government to wear a mask."

The order came into place at midnight. It was as though the masks never existed the very next day. I took three Ubers and none of the drivers wore masks. I shopped at the supermarket and no one in the aisles wore masks. New Zealand, unmasked. "We take back control," said the Prime Minister. She skipped over the fine print, later published by the Ministry of Health: "Masks are recommended in confined places such as public transport." But what's a recommendation? I take buses all the time but stopped wearing masks on September 12.

Face masks had a long, strange journey since they were made compulsory on public transport and indoor venues in August 2020.

"Please use whatever you have at hand," Ardern said. Strange to think that it took until then – we went into our first lockdown in March – and that when they were introduced, it was seriously being asked, "Does mask wearing reduce the number of Covid-19 infections?" The functionally insane continued asking that question ever since. Everyone else – the team of five million, masked – wore them as a matter of common sense and courtesy. It was kind of fun until it stopped being fun and became a habit that resembled a bit of a total drag but, oh well, what are you going to do?

Face masks became the new morality clause. Shame on ye who did not wear them. Ardern herself was busted, twice, the first time in a selfie she took with adoring fans in Palmerston North in September 2020 ("I was wrong") and in July this year when she posed for the photo with 120 youth MPs on a staircase in the Beehive (Helen Clark: "Indeed shocking"). But this was political point-scoring and concerned the absence of masks. The presence of masks was very often used to express pride and superior intelligence, as routinely communicated on the Twitter machine. The showdown at the Occupation of the Cenotaph this summer was masks vs unmasked, the functional vs the functionally insane, the we-know-better vs no-actually-we-know-better. The former would return from overseas trips and report: "Shocking and most terrible! No one is wearing masks. Ugh!" The latter would return from overseas trips, and report: "Liberating and most wise! No one is wearing masks. Hurrah!" I got as far as Hamilton, last month, on the Te Huia train. I wore a mask. I took it off to eat. I ate the entire journey.

Face masks were a shield. We still need that shield, according to – you can guess this next word – epidemiologists. Rod Jackson, much-quoted epidemiologist: "Public transport is a setting where I think we should have retained masks." He said he would still be wearing a mask in confined spaces. Michael Baker, even much more quoted epidemiologist: "I'm going to make sure I'm wearing a high-quality mask in those settings." He said an end to masks in indoor spaces was "a mistake". As ever, as usual, they know what they're talking about. Plus, better safe than sorry. And, Omicron is still out there, although the Ministry of Health has very quietly done away with reporting daily case numbers and moved to weekly updating, on Mondays. The weekly update on Monday, September 19 recorded 9606 cases. Whatever. The spell of epidemiology is broken.

Face masks will always be with us. The wearers who insist on maintaining their everyday use are the new preppers, ready in case of disaster. It's their choice. They know what they're doing. They know the science, the odds. I don't know the science but I just can't be bothered anymore and if the Government says it's all right, it's all right. I watched that face mask dance in the air above the rubbish truck until the truck moved on. It fell to the ground. It was a sad sight. I went outside and picked it up, and put it back in the bin. All it represented was litter.

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